Skinny never used to be so Fat

I spent a wonderful weekend with a niece of mine. We made some crafts, we talked, we read, we shopped. It was while shopping I realized exactly how fat skinny seemed to me now.

My niece tried on the same size clothes that I wore when I was her age. But I don't consider her to be a big girl, certainly nowhere near as big as I was. When I look back at my favorite pictures from high school I think "Wow. I was actually pretty then." But that is not how I felt in high school. I was the fattest of the fat. Nobody could love me because I was a gigantic blob. A lot like how I feel about myself now.

I also look at people larger than me and think "I'll never let myself get THAT big!" But I have. My tolerance for fat has grown just as much as my weight. If not more. Because now I realize I could get that fat!


The point is this: Nobody wants to be fat. Even if you are fat, you never think you will let yourself get fatter. And then when you do, you amend your definition of fat. So the "last straw", the one that pushes you to diet is always the next one.

Maximum Expansion Reached

It is nice to think that 286.4 is my breaking point, to say "That is it! I am losing weight now. NOTHING will stop me!". And a year later still be at it.

But that's not how it happens. I get to my "breaking point" and spend a month losing 10-20 pounds. Then over the next couple months it all comes back plus some. When I graduated high school 200 was my breaking point. When I broke up with my first boyfriend 225 was my breaking point. My breaking point has stretched as far as the waistband in my favorite pajama pants (miraculously, still from high school).

Maybe by revealing myself to you, things will change. The commitment will stick. Maybe not. But it can't hurt to try something new.